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Well, y’all…. DANG. I complained that the first quarter was rough, then I said the second quarter kicked it up a notch. Now… How do I put this? The third quarter kicked my teeth in, then it poured a little gasoline over my head, lit a match, walked away until the flames died out, then came back with a wire-bristled brush and scrubbed at those burns until there was nothing left but blood and bones.

How do you describe it when you have already had a rough year, your “summertime” depression refusing to pass, and one thing after another triggering some of the oldest wounds that you have? Feeling like you just couldn’t shake these bad, bad feelings… and then having something even more devastating happen? Something that triggers every trauma you have ever experienced all at once?

Ask for Help

I have talked about my three core values before: Authenticity, Balance, Connection. When something happens at this level, it can be a challenge to stay in your authentic self. Cycling through emotions and stages of grief at a record pace followed by countless hours of staring at a wall feeling nothing at all. This doesn’t feel like me. I know I am in here somewhere, but the real me is not always accessible right now. She’s taking cover. She is protecting herself. She is doing what she has to do. She makes brief appearances, and someday she will be back to stay, but it’s touch-and-go right now.

Balance? Not right now. It’s 100% all or 0% nothing. It’s safe to say I was already in a perpetual state of exhaustion before this proverbial shoe dropped. Beyond exhaustion is collapse. That happened. I have been through a LOT in my life, and I have survived all of it. I will survive this too, but knowing that didn’t stop my body from demanding a complete and utter shut down. Not taking time out was not an option. I guess this was a collaboration between my brain and my body to seek balance. In many ways the timing of this couldn’t have been worse, but in a few ways it couldn’t have been better. I choose to focus on the positives. I am grateful I was allowed some time to take care of myself… but I’m not done. I have to continue to take care of myself every day, and sometimes it’s really, really hard.

Connection has been key. I am very lucky and blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and support me… with the exception of that one person who was *supposed* to make that a top priority… but my daily gratitude list is a mile long with names of people who have sent cards, plants, donations, texts, videos, memes, and “survival/revival” kits (those are a real thing.) And I say I am lucky, but the truth is, I have worked hard to build and maintain those relationships. I chose those people very carefully and they chose me. The amount of love flowing towards me is truly humbling. It gives me strength. It is these connections that will allow me at some future point to return to Balance. It is these connections that will help me find my Authentic Self again. It is to this community that I have come and prostrated myself and asked for help. And I have gotten it.

Goals

Despite the devastation, I want to update on my goals and priorities. Just because someone wrecked my life, doesn’t mean I won’t keep working towards my goals.

1. Home – There were some things I was motivated to do, some painting, some clearing. Right now, I really wish I could just move. Home doesn’t feel like home to me right now, and I don’t like that feeling.
2. Books and Blogging – I finished the summer reading challenge and I got some cool bookmarks and stickers as a prize. I am reading an actual paper book, so it was nice to replace the receipt with a real bookmark. I had a few decent blogs this quarter, but couldn’t write any the past several weeks. I am trying to get back to it. This is a start.
3. BLE/Health/Activity – I finished the BLE course that I hadn’t finished last time. I also attended their annual conference. I must admit that this personal drama has shot my Bright Lines all to hell. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let it happen, and despite all of the support I have, my willpower has been too depleted to keep my program strong. There has been so much drama, stress, decisions, phone calls, responsibilities, appointments, money spent… even with extra self care and going to bed early, I just don’t have anything left. I am doing my best, because that’s the best I can do.
4. Financial – This is the part that adds insult to injury right here. One step forward, four steps back. Last quarter, I said I couldn’t catch a break. This quarter, I got broken instead. I was completely used and taken advantage of, and I was shocked. I am still shocked. Utterly flabbergasted. And it is ridiculous how much money it costs to get rid of someone who is costing you so much money. This is where timing was terrible. I believe everything happens for a reason, but it’s really hard not to be bitter about this. I have worked really hard for a long time, and I was this close “||” to having it all worked out. I want to kick and scream and say “it’s not fair,” but instead I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust it will work out in the long run. Or I go to bed early.

Adventure

We went on our epic road trip adventure. It seems bittersweet now. That was definitely the highlight of Q3 for me. I especially loved meeting some of my BLE friends for the first time at the “Annual Family Reunion,” as the conference is called. I enjoyed showing my kids a lot of the country and spending time together. I am grateful for the time and all of the hotel points.

They say to be careful what you ask for, and I knew that saying 2019 would be my year of Adventure was risky. I think I’ve had enough. If the last three months could just go smoothly, that would be swell.

Looking Ahead

I have a lot to be grateful for. Likewise, I have a lot to look forward to. Right now it’s hard to think about specifics. They say “life is not happening to you, it’s happening for you.” Someday I will see how all of this was to serve me and to help me serve others. I have already seen glimpses of it, but I mostly still don’t believe this is happening to me. Again. In this way. Have I learned something? Yes. Is that enough?

As I look ahead, I want to sell my house and move. I want to be surrounded by my friends and family. I want to be left alone. I want to finish the three books I am reading. I want a lawnmower that works or for it to get cold enough that I don’t have to mow. I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed again. But mostly, I want this divorce to be final.