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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is my favorite new non-fiction book. I listened to the audiobook twice from the library then bought the hardcover book. This is one self-help book that I find very helpful. And it says the F word a lot, and I’m an overgrown 8th grader, so, yes, I am thrilled.
Cussing was SO not allowed in my house growing up. Until a certain age, I thought “fart” was the F-word.
Mark Manson’s book is full of actual good advice that feels very relevant to me as I enter a transitionary time. I’m about to move into my “third act,” but I am still in the prime of my life. The kids will both be in college then moving on with their own lives. This is the perfect time to reassess my values and decide which F*’s I want to give. That is truly what this book is about. It sucks you in by giving you the impression that you can be carefree and not give a single F* then it reveals that the key to happiness is being empowered to choose which F*s to give.
What I learned…
“Happiness comes from solving problems” and “Choose your struggle”
It comes as no surprise that most of us are happiest when we are fixing things or figuring something out. What makes us miserable are the problems that we can’t solve or the feeling that we have no say in which problems we have. The key here is to stop worrying about things we can’t control and pick a few problems that we want to have. Manson says that the things that make us happy are the things that make us miserable. For example, the person we marry is the person we fight with. It reminds me of this image that I shared with my husband one anniversary. I am a morning person (among other things.) I know I can be annoying. Every day I pick Ryan to annoy. He probably doesn’t know how lucky he is, but I did tell him to read this book. Ideally, we will keep being each other’s biggest problem for years to come. Because we choose this struggle.
You are not special
Ouch! Here is a rare occasion when you will find me giving credit to one of my ex husbands for anything other than “that had to happen so I could have my beautiful children.” My second ex husband once told me: “The one thing that all girls have in common is they all think they are not like other girls.” I think he must have heard someone else say that, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I remember this statement any time that I start to judge other women. On the one hand, I do not know that woman’s story (even if I think I know her.) On the other hand, she is just like me. Neither of us is all that special, and that’s okay.
Rock star problems
Did I mention this book uses Megadeth to illustrate a point?! You might not know this about me, but I am a metal head. Sometimes that surprises people. More on that later, I’m sure. When Mark Manson starts telling a story about a guy who got kicked out of a band, I instantly knew this was Dave Mustaine’s story. Dave was kicked out of Metallica. He decided to create his own band and that he was going to outsell his former bandmates. And Megadeth is AWESOME. Dave is one of the best metal guitarists ever… BUT no one outsells Metallica. Manson’s point is that success and happiness are dependent on what you measure them against. He contrasts Dave’s story to that of Pete Best who was kicked out of The Beatles. If anyone outsells Metallica, it’s The Beatles, but Best credits being kicked out as what led to meeting his wife and giving him the family that became his source of joy. If he measured himself against The Beatles (or Megadeth) he would be unhappy. The cool thing is… We get to decide how to measure our happiness.
There’s so much more, but let’s skip to the final chapter… “And then you die”—
In Western culture, we don’t like to be reminded that we will die. We have a plethora of euphemisms to help us avoid acknowledging the reality that we (and everyone we know and love) will one day DIE. Now, I don’t know if Mark Manson is Buddhist, but this is one of several places in the book that he references Buddhism. Also, “let’s think about death” meshes well with my heavy metal roots. The idea here is not to be morbid but to remind us to make the best use of our time in this precious human life that we have been given.
On my way to my English degree, I took a sociology class “On Death and Dying.” It was one of the most fascinating things I ever studied. It changed how I felt about funerals and right-to-death for terminally ill patients. I kept the text book, which is beautifully titled “The Last Dance.” I should probably get rid of it before I die. I hope to have my home minimized and my funeral planned and not leave my kids with the burden… which does mean I need to live another fifty years to get all of that done. They do know that they can cremate me. The point is, we ought to get past this superstition and denial so that we can focus on living.
Final thoughts: Self-help via Megadeth, y’all!
But seriously, if I can recommend one book this year (assuming everyone has already read Ready Player One,) this would be it.
Read more on Mark’s website HERE.