This is only my second blog of 2022. I haven’t written since I set out my goals for the year. I knew this would be a challenging year, but I didn’t know how truly difficult it would prove to be. I’m still in the midst of a mental health crisis, formerly known as a good old nervous breakdown. I am tempted to say this is my second in two years, but honestly, this has been ongoing since August 2019. I won’t dwell here and now on how it’s really NOT “okay to not be okay,” but I want to document the few wins I have been able to rack up so far this year. Maybe there will be a bit here about how I get through it, and I will try not to complain about how long it takes for me to put together a single sentence. Just know that putting this together is hard, but it’s something I need to do for myself, and I am sharing it with you. So… let’s talk about my year so far.

CLARITY

Clarity is my focus word for 2022. It’s something I struggle with because of my issues, PTSD especially. My brain literally does not work the way it used to. This is another one of those things that I keep saying and I feel like only other people with PTSD really understand. I am grateful to have found some support groups of people who really do get it. I have to ask for more help now than even at some of the darkest points in my life. Another point of clarity is that I have to be clear about what type of support I need. I feel like making this my focus word for the year has helped me to find ways to bring clarity instead of focusing on the frustration of not having it. I do, however, feel very clear that there is a purpose to all of this as there has been to every challenge I have faced in my life.

GOALS

ACTIVITY

I have never been an active person, so this is a constant struggle, but my anxiety shows up in my body in big ways and I have learned that I have to use movement to process and move that anxious energy through and out. It’s a coping mechanism, and for once I have one that is healthy instead of self-destructive. My back pain has been acting up a bit more lately, but I am doing my best to hold it at bay with the exercises that help. I wish I had room in my budget to add back Bowen therapy, but I will have to continue with my current therapies.

HOME

I learned a new term from one of my kids… apparently I live in a “depression den.” When I say I am struggling, I mean seriously. Through sessions with my therapist, I have made a little bit of progress in the name of self-care. After nearly getting trapped in my bedroom, I did replace my broken doorknob. I’m taking baby steps, and that’s okay.

READ

I set my goal as one book for each year of my age. I’m actually a little ahead of schedule on this thanks to audiobooks. I can’t read a regular book right now. Honestly, I don’t even remember the content of the audiobooks, but I still read them, so they still count. It is very comforting to have someone read to me and to connect with a story, even if I won’t remember details like I used to. This has helped me to just enjoy the moment and I have repeated some books to try and get them to sink in.

WRITE

I asked myself to commit to six blogs for the year and this is number two. It’s hard. Have I mentioned that it is hard?

FINANCIAL

Well. I do have more clarity about this area of my life than I had a few months ago, but this is going to get worse before it gets better. If *someone* paid what they owe me, then I would literally be fine. Lots of the PTSD is around this. I can’t say any more about it.

SELF CARE

This is an interesting section. I have had to drop everything to take care of myself. This isn’t bubble bath and spa day self care. This is getting out of bed, washing my hair, cutting my hair so it is easier to wash, and going to bed at 5pm self care. This is taking new medicine that really only helps enough to allow me to finally see how bad things had gotten. I literally couldn’t see the state of things. I guess the professionals might call it disassociation. The focus now is on taking care of the most basic needs at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy pyramid. If you thought I was someone who had their shit together, well… I thought so too. Now I see with more clarity, and I am working on it. Goals in this area are very simple: get out of bed, pick up groceries, brush teeth, drink water. I can usually do a couple of things per day, but I still feel like I am recovering from a major spoon deficit.

I have a lot of doctor appointments too, which are just exhausting. It seems there is one week each month when all of the appointments converge. I will reschedule if possible, but some of these have to be scheduled months in advance. I rely too heavily on takeout for the times when my spoons are gone. I am trying to make ultra-simple meals at home, but some days that just isn’t in the cards. Doing my best, because that’s the best I can do.

SELF DEVELOPMENT

In my New Years post, I talked about the difficulty I have been having in this area. I mentioned checking out interior design books just to look at the pictures. I have watched some YouTube videos about home design and feng shui. I just enjoy looking at pretty things. I’ve also listened or re-listened to some audiobooks on Self-Development. That’s really all. I think I have to give myself a pass on this area, maybe for the whole year.

Second Quarter Preview

The second quarter might see some huge changes for me. I’m leaning heavily on the serenity prayer to try to be clear about what I can and can’t control and how to know the difference. Some of the stuff coming down the pike is causing even more anxiety. I’m trying to stay in the present moment and not get too far ahead with planning and anticipating while still managing the things I can manage. This is hard, y’all. I feel like that’s the theme of the past few years: “This is hard, y’all.”