What the actual…?

We are at the end of the first quarter of 2020. It’s time for an update on my dreams, plans, and goals for the year. As I prepped for 2020, I promised myself Freedom. Three months in, where am I? More or less confined to home, along with the rest of the WORLD. That’s right: coronavirus, COVID-19, social distancing, quarantine, work from home… it’s a whole new world. How does one work towards the goal of Freedom without leaving the house? Let’s contemplate that and see if I was able to accomplish anything in the start of the year before lockdown began.

Career/Livelihood/Influence

I’m still working through The Calling. I fell behind my schedule, but I am almost finished with it. I’ve slacked a bit on doing the exercises, but I will finish a “light” version of the program. Doing things like this can be scary, and scary brings resistance. I don’t have to do it right, I just need to do it. I started a Facebook group, but I think I’m the only person still doing it, and I haven’t even posted in my facebook group lately, so I’m giving myself low marks for influence this quarter.

Regarding my day job, I feel pretty good. Working from home has its perks and its challenges, but I am definitely not bored. I’m grateful to have this experience and to still be drawing a paycheck when so many have their jobs affected by the COVID-19 crisis. There is a mental toll to being in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, and that means good days and bad days for me. I am doing my best, because that’s the best I can do.

Relationships and Family

I committed to focus on my relationship with myself first and foremost. Being home alone with a 19-year-old who wears headphones and takes naps affords me lots of solitude. I am still working full time from home, so I am not sitting in silent contemplation every day, but I do have time for some introspection.

The fact that everything is cancelled means that I can’t use “going” and “doing” to distract myself any longer from some of the things I need to work through. The timing seems right anyway. Six months ago I told myself I could have six months to “get ready.” I don’t have to be ready for any particular thing, it’s just that when I told myself that, I wasn’t ready for anything. I gave myself permission not to be, with the understanding that it wasn’t a permanent excuse. So I told myself to be ready, and I feel like I will be. (I still have about 10 days ’til my deadline.)

I’m checking on my dad a lot and worrying about him. He’s 81 and has emphysema, so he’s a prime target for COVID-19. I had Amazon send him some elderberry supplements. Social distancing makes it hard to help, so this allowed me to feel like I did something. Aside from one of the cats needing stitches, everyone in the family has been well. He’s already healed and I removed the stitches myself so we didn’t have to leave the house. The one person I haven’t heard from this whole pandemic is my brother, so I’m texting him now.

Community

Lucky for me, I have been building a community for a few years that doesn’t always meet face-to-face. I am acquainted with several apps and tools for connecting with people remotely. That being said, I also have a tendency to isolate or to just want to enjoy quiet time alone. I’m grateful for people who reach out and light a fire under me to actually use these connections. My book/craft club has been chatting via zoom, as have some of my BLE groups. I also use the Marco Polo app to see people but not necessarily be online at the same time. I use facebook groups to stay in touch with some people and text with others. I feel like I’ve been very well connected to my community so far this year. Thank goodness.

Also, memes. My real friends are the ones who share the most memes. #BabyYodaForLife

Physical Wellbeing

My goal of 120 Pure Barre classes by the end of the year might be a stretch. I’ve done some of the at-home workouts, but my motivation has started to wane. When the weather is nice, I do a lot of yard work. I have done a little tap dance practice, but recital is postponed and this dance is really hard. This means I should practice more, but yeah… and I got some new pillows that have helped my spine tremendously in the short time since I got them. I am feeling good most of the time. That doesn’t mean I’m not exhausted the rest of the time, but when I’m exhausted, I try to go to sleep early. Fresh air and sunshine help a lot. There’s also a new course from Bright Line Eating that is helping me keep my lines bright. I really do feel better when I just stick to the plan.

Create/Explore/Play

I might get lowest marks on this section. The dissolution of a marriage is a hard and sad thing, even when it’s the right thing. Grief might inspire some people to write, paint, sing, etc. It seems to sap my creativity. For months I was in action mode, trying to resolve things as quickly as possible. It’s over now, but that doesn’t resolve everything. There’s still a process to go through. I am determined to go through it with as much aplomb as possible, which means fiercely protecting my boundaries and my right to self-care. That has meant letting the creativity ebb while some other things flow. I feel it starting to come back now. Springtime is a good time for it.

Exploring is difficult in isolation. The Squid and I have gone out for a few drives, but mostly we are staying home. Even picking up a book or watching television has been hard. I’m giving myself a pass on explore this quarter too.

Play is a little easier. I’ve spent so much time with my dog and I’m teaching him some new tricks. Well, not really. He has a jumping problem, but I think he’s starting to understand “off.” Let’s call that a trick. I have also had “isolation dance parties” in the kitchen. They are in the kitchen, because they usually happen when I am prepping food or waiting for something to cook. I’m a bad dancer, so I put on ridiculous songs and dance like no one is watching… because no one is watching.

Psychological and Spiritual Health

My therapist sort of gave me a clean bill of mental health. I don’t even know what to do with that. It’s like, yeah, you’re going through a lot of really tough stuff right now, but you are actually handling it rather well. And I think she’s right.

I did a great book study with one of my sister circles about The Warrior Heart Practice and that was wonderful. I haven’t done justice to my goddess archetype Inanna. I hope to get back to her once I finish up a few other things. I have to cut myself some slack on this one too, but my spiritual health definitely needs to be a priority. It doesn’t always have to be about checking something off my list though. The best thing for my psychological and spiritual health right now might be nothing. It is just as important to know when to say no.

FREEDOM

The first quarter of 2020 had its ups and downs, but I am satisfied with it. I never would have seen the pandemic and stay-at-home/work-from-home situation coming on January 1. Some people are protesting, because they see these orders as a violation of their freedoms. As painful as it has been, I have to admit that having most of my “avoidance” methods eliminated has forced me to go ahead and deal with some stuff. This will lead me to greater Freedom in the future. The process is more important than the results. Today, I feel good about my process.