My blog has been silent for a while due to a mental health crisis, but I feel it is important to take time at the end of the year for reflection and introspection. This has been my space for an annual review for several years, so I am coming out of my shell long enough to write this. I’m starting to write this on the winter solstice, and it may take several days to complete, but during this darkest time of year I need to give myself whatever time and space necessary for this process. The past few years have been tough, to say the least. Let’s look at what worked, what didn’t, and what I learned. (Credit to James Clear, author of one of my favorite SELF-Development books Atomic Habits, for the yearly review format using these three questions.)

What went well this year?

Activity

I met my goal of getting to 250 Pure Barre classes by the end of the year. I luckily had taken enough classes to have some buffer on this, because illness, a minor outpatient procedure that didn’t heal as expected, and travel tried to cut into my classes. I’ve talked about the importance of activity in dealing with my PTSD in the past. The Body Keeps the Score discusses the way trauma is held in our bodies. You have probably heard the expression, “the issues are in the tissues.” I absolutely have to burn out the extreme anxiety that lives in my body. Barre class has proven to be a great way for me to do this. It is also low impact, which helps since my other activity is tap dancing, which is decidedly high impact, although our teacher is wonderful and doesn’t make us do too much jumping. She also happens to be my oldest kid. 🙂

Tap class night is the highlight of my week. Not only is it great activity and fun, but I get to have dinner with my kiddo, my BFF, and my best cousin. It’s a weekly girls night in the most positive way. And if the low impact of barre class gets out my anxiety, tap class is the best for stomping out frustration, anger. and whatever else ails me. I never thought I would be an “active” person but this is a huge focus for me and I am glad to have kept it up.

Coaching

In January, I started a coaching certification program, and in May I began coaching in The PBT Institute community. I am currently on sabbatical from coaching (see aforementioned mental health crisis) but I feel like the coaching classes I conducted in the community were good ones and that I have added value to the community. This is a community for people healing from Betrayal, which you might have guessed is the kind of stuff that has caused my PTSD. It’s good to be able to use the most tragic circumstances of my life to help and support others.

I started a YouTube channel that currently has eight videos. I want to focus more on the SELF Development coaching there. SELF is an acronym that I came up with for how to start a self-development transformation: Strengths, Elevation, Legacy, Focus. I want to do more videos talking about these concepts, but I’ve done one on each of these so far.

Summer Sleep

Going to bed very early has become my go-to. Blackout shades helped so much over the summer. I’ll talk later about issues with my brain, but suffice it to say that rest is a very important part of my daily routine. Last summer I had some severe sleep issues, so I committed at the beginning of 2021 to get better sleep this summer. I did, and I think maybe it helped postpone having another total break. I remain focused on good sleep, and you should too.

Reading

My reading goal was 45 books, one for each year of my life. I ended the year with 55 books logged on Goodreads. I got off to a strong start, which is always important for me with this type of goal. When I ran into a time that I struggled to read, I was able to give myself a break. As always, I relied on audiobooks for many of my books. When my brain is DONE sometimes I just need to sit with my eyes closed. I can listen to a book during this time. Granted, there are many books from the past few years that I barely remember despite reading or listening to them. I still give myself credit. Reading and remembering are not the same. I’m looking forward to hitting and exceeding my goal again next year.

I am also participating in a book challenge in one of my book clubs. It includes tasks of reading from different categories. I have until January 8th to finish and only have two books left. A few weeks ago I didn’t think I would finish, but with some finagling of books I already read and a few quick audiobooks, I can finish. YAY for reading!

What didn’t go well this year?

Financial

Ugh. Money is fun, right? Medical expenses have been through the roof and there are some other things that have messed with my budget, but I’m on it. Being a barely functioning human is expensive. It makes me bitter to be dealing with this, but it is what it is. I see memes saying, “it’s okay not to be okay,” but it’s only okay so long as you can keep going to work and keep the machine churning. The relationship between finances and mental health is one I am becoming intimately familiar with. I have to take care of myself first and foremost. You know, like everyone says you should. They just don’t mention what that will cost. 🙂 Nevertheless, I’ve had to get very clear about my priorities.

My Brain

This is hard to explain and hard to talk about. I tend to just say that I am “having trouble with my brain,” which mostly sums it up. The more I work on something, the worse it gets. The more pressure I am under, the worse things get. Memory – gone. Words – unfindable. Eyes – ache. Brain – shutting down. None of this does it justice. And maybe the worst part is that one minute I can seemingly be fine and the next I am useless. Things are better in the morning and after noon I am likely to be useless. Last year I had every kind of medical test imaginable, and I’ve had several more this year. There’s nothing *physically* wrong with my brain… so… I have a pretty severe mental illness. I could insert a handful of jokes here, but that would be my tendency to use humor as a defense mechanism.

The truth is that it really really sucks. Regardless of how many times it is tested, I struggle to believe that these issues are *just* mental. That being said, some of the stuff I have been through in my life is clear cause for PTSD. No one would question that, but I do. I struggle to accept that diagnosis and the implications that come with it. I recently had an experience with my chiropractor that demonstrated the mind-body connection. My chiropractor is a friend, and we were discussing our kids and I mentioned one of the traumatic things from my life. She tried to do a regular neck adjustment like at every other appointment and my neck refused. We tried a few times then she used a different method to adjust me. The thing is… I received the head injury that caused my spine issues during that time of my life’s worst trauma. Talking about that trauma while trying to treat that injury 24 years later and having that kind of reaction, it was wild, and it sent me a clear message. The body really does keep the score. The score has finally added up enough to take me out of the game.

What did I learn?

Change is inevitable, and sometimes it sucks.

I try to be comfortable with change. We know it is the only thing that is constant. When the change goes from feeling like a smart person who is good at things to being disabled… it’s hard on a lot of levels. I guess things were always going to go downhill at some point. I just thought I would be in my 70’s or something, not my 40’s. I am supposed to have another 20 or more good years. Maybe I still can. I just might have to redefine “good years.”

Some things can’t be forced

Really wanting something to work out doesn’t make it work. One would think after three divorces I would understand this lesson. This year I learned that it applies to other areas of life too. Sometimes you can try really hard and no one can tell you are trying. Sometimes you know something was meant to be, but you have to acknowledge that maybe that connection was for a reason or a season, not for always. You (I) have to accept it and mourn the loss and move forward.

I hope to post about my 2022 goals soon, so stay turned for those!

Links to previous yearly reviews: 2018, 2019, 2020.