Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. We are at the halfway point of the year, and it’s time to check in. Normally, this would be an update on where I am with my goals for the year. This post will encompass some of that, but it will mostly be me talking about where I am now, how I got here, and where I’m trying to go next. This hasn’t been a very productive year, and we all know that our worth is based on our ability to produce, right? So this will be me trying to work through a lot of that.
I have been off work since the middle of November. As someone who has always been an achiever and high performer, it’s really hard to admit when your brain no longer functions and you can no longer do work in which you have expertise. And it’s not just work, I’m very low functioning at home and I’m struggling with everything. I have given myself permission to focus on resting and healing, but that is hard permission to give. And it’s hard when it feels like that isn’t working. I know rest is something I need, but sleeping 12 hours doesn’t magically cure anything. It’s actually really hard on the other part of my disability, which is my spine. Between my brain and my back, it feels like I just can’t win.
Trying to get disability benefits is hard, y’all. It’s not an easy way out. You’re already unable to function and then someone wants you to jump through hoops. I’m grateful for the patience of the people who have dealt with me so far on this journey. I am also grateful for my support system of people who talk me through my panic every time I have to deal with the paperwork or the phone calls. I’m surrounded by lots of good people. Thank you.
Bones or No Bones
I am giving myself a pass on most of my goals for this year, even though I set them in the middle of a mental health crisis, I must admit that I thought it would be over by now. I am still doing a lot, but most of it is doctor and therapy appointments for me and the Squid plus filling out lots of paperwork. I still use my beloved Dragontree Dreambook and Planner to schedule my week. I try to reserve one day each week to rest and have no appointments. Sometimes that turns into grocery day, but rest and unplanned time is really important in my current condition.
I’m trying to take extra care of myself and to stay in touch with the aforementioned support system. Several group chats are the highlights of my days. It’s good to stay in touch with my parents and siblings. Dad sends us YouTube links of old songs. Other groups of friends seem to somehow all have bad days on the same schedule, and we spend our chats balancing between commiseration and encouragement. It’s actually good for me to feel like I am supporting others and not just constantly receiving support and being a drain on my fellow humans. If mental health is a struggle for you right now, you are not alone.
Reading
The current state of my brain makes reading difficult. A recent change of medication seems to have helped some, but I still can’t focus very well. I rely heavily on audiobooks and resign myself to forgetting most of what I hear. At least they pass the time, and I am taking credit on Goodreads whether I remember the storyline or not. Between appointments I spend a lot of time sitting with my eyes closed trying to rest my brain. This has gotten me through the first nine books (plus the prequel) of the Wheel of Time series. At this point, I am thoroughly confused and don’t really care what happens, but I feel committed to listen to the rest, sort of like how I feel committed to watch the final season of The Walking Dead when it eventually comes to Netflix. (Speaking of watching, or not watvhing… I am NOT caught up on Obi-Wan or Stranger Things, so NO SPOILERS, please.)
I have also been working my way through the Throne of Glass series quite slowly. I can’t tell you much about that one either. If I can find someone to discuss the books with, things might come back to me during the conversation, so once again, my friends are awesome. I think this is how the Scarecrow feels in The Wizard of Oz though. “If I only had a brain.”
Speaking of my brain…
I am working on trying to get this experimental sort of treatment called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). This is a therapy for “treatment resistant” depression, which means proving to the insurance company that we have been trying various methods to treat this beast. If I qualify, it will be six weeks of sessions five days a week. Thirty sessions of using an electromagnet to attempt to realign my synapses or something. There’s actually a really good rundown of it in Jenny Lawson’s book Broken (in the Best Possible Way,) because Jenny had her thirty TMS sessions and wrote about it. The good news is that some 1/3 of people have their depression go into remission after treatment. Another 1/3 have some improvement and might need future sessions… and the final 1/3 don’t see any improvement. So I could spend a ton of time and money (a few tons of money) to have zero results. That’s scary. And this is if I can even get qualified and approved to have the sessions in the first place. Jenny’s book also has an excellent chapter on dealing with insurance. (Mine sounds easy compared to hers.) And it’s funny. 5 stars.
Where am I going?
That question made me think of this song by Styx. I listened to that song a lot as a depressed teenager. Anyway, hopefully where I am going is to get some TMS therapy and be less depressed. Right now it’s hard to even imagine what “less depressed” would mean. Trying to think about that sends me into panic mode, because I instantly feel pressure that my current state cannot handle. First focus on healing. That’s what I have to repeatedly come back to. If/when my brain heals, then we cross the next bridge, not until then.
My future visions are very much driven by “one day at a time.” And when it comes to this blog, one word at a time. It has taken me a month to type this, make corrections, make more corrections, and have it ready to hit publish. I swear I used to be able to type and make sentences. Now it seems I have to type every word three times and spellcheck is quite sick of me. Anyway, that’s the midpoint blog update. Thanks for reading.